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Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Lessons learned from ODB.

All of the magazines will have you believe that fucking models is an easy business. They tell you to be a nice guy, keep your outfits in check, know every song they play and participate like a motherfucker, keep your palms full of drinks and a joint in your pocket for after the bar, and you've got it made. However, how come you see these kinds of amazingly rad guys leaving at the end of the night with chicks that wear ponchos and chunky flip-flops, or the kind with adult braces and uncontrollable speech impediments? It would be nice if you really didn't have to try to have sex with models, but being a rad guy really has nothing to do with it.

If ODB has taught me anything in life, it's that you really do have to work your ass off to get where you want to be (which, for ODB, was inside of a model's vagina). I used to wonder to myself: Why is it that this ugly-ass guy (who looks something like a homeless drug addict that just won the lotto) can't sit down without some waifish bird grinding into his lap? I always felt like, due to the fact that I'm the exact polar opposite of a model, ODB was secretly teaching me lessons on how score with the ladies, so I could one day pass them on to the male population. I observed, guys. Don't worry.

Let's start with the basics. Do you think ODB had any female friends whatsoever? No. When you're in the model-fucking business, there's no time to be a nice guy. While other guys were spending time chit-chatting with pretty ladies, ODB was busy being a total dick, drinking 40s, and slapping titties around.

Even when ODB was pretending to be a kind-of decent guy, you knew he had ulterior motives. In the above video, he shakes the hands of the ladies and sits quietly while the others participate in calm conversations about their boyfriends, but you know the second the cameras shut off, you know OBD was pouring Cris down their ass-cracks like it was Niagra Falls.

ODB had a fail-proof formula that went something like this:

1. Fill yourself full of chemicals. To models, the scent of blow is as enticing as the scent of caramel-covered cheetos to Rosie O'Donell. You really don't have to share at first... Make the bitches earn their keep.
2. Be so fucking crazy that it almost makes everyone really uncomfortable to be around you. When the room clears out, you'll be stuck alone with a bunch insecure model-types that don't like to sleep by themselves. Ever.
3. Be in Wu-Tang (or at least in the fam).

It worked for him every single time!

R.I.P. Big Baby Jesus... Thanks for giving hope to all of those ugly motherfuckers out there that just want to get a piece of sweet, sweet model ass.

~sarah p.


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