Before I figured out that 'bitches ain't shit'.

Maybe this is wrong to say, and forgive me if I offend anyone, but I was a pretty horny eight-year-old (in the tamest sense).
I didn't have a TV at my house, but my best friends had two, and they were allowed to watch them whenever they wanted. Thus, I would spend a day at their house watching late 80's/early 90's sitcoms, and spend the rest of the week thinking about kissing tv characters. Here are my top five late 80's/early-90's TV character crushes:


5. Balki Bartokomous (Perfect Strangers)

At the age of eight, I had never eaten meat, let alone eaten a goat, but I imagined every single day that it would taste delicious (it does!). Balki looked like he knew how to cook a goat.

4. Vicky (Small Wonder) This was more of a friendship crush. I thought it would be awesome to have a robot friend, because if some punk kid was bugging me, then Vicki could bite him in half with her robot jaws of steel.

3. Winston Zeddmore (The Real Ghostbusters)
I didn't really 'get' that cartoons weren't actual living beings. I thought they were just real people that were way more awesome because they didn't ever have to go to the bathroom.

2. Steve Urkel (Family Matters) I know I've already given Urkel some love on this blog, but he's a pretty important guy. Urkel was a good crush for one reason: he had no standards. No standards = no baths for me, and Urkel would stiil want to hang out. As a dirty hippy eight-year-old, how could I lose?

1. Kevin Arnold (The Wonder Years) Kevin Arnold was a fucking dreamboat. That's all that needs to be said.

~sarah p.